The Midnight News 08.05.02
Posted By Hyatte on 08.05.02
Savage, Y2J, Pushing Indies, The Hardy Boyz, Trish, Neil Gaiman, Troublemakers, An Inside Joke, Hot Gossip, Message Boardom, and Guess Who's Back
I'm Chris and this is the Midnight News. Hello.
Where was I? Hmm, here's what happened.
The second, the very INSTANT Eric Bischoff stepped out on Raw I was SO MAD... SO INFURITATED... and talking to my girlfriend (who lives in Alaska... so our relationship is more or less writing about fingering each other's unmentionables.) only increased my frustration.
no... that's a lie. Truth is, I was feeling unloved and unappreciated and some asshole had accurately pointed out to everyone that my third anniversary celebration was just an excuse for bad writers to suck my not-long-enough-to-reach-Alaska crank, so I wanted to show you what life would be without me for two weeks. Oh, don't worry, since EVERY DAMN WRESTLING SHOW IS NOT COMPLETE WITHOUT MY ACERBIC "take" on the action, I still did a couple of "lost episodes"... because this is my whole life. So I shut down until enough of you fans kissed my ass.
NO?? Fine, where was I? F*CK YOU. THAT'S where I was. When you OVERexplain things, the fib comes shining through.
Let’s rocketh
EDITORIALIZIN'
Hyatte has some views, dammit... and I'd like to share them with you now:
NWA-TNT: I don't see the big deal with the Truth. So he can talk, so what? I can too. So he can wrestle, so what? So can every date I've ever had, and I've got the swollen balls to prove it. Anyways, Good luck to him.
Goldilocks: I love her, love her LOVE HER. Not in a dippy, beat meat way either. She's so smart, so quick, and so canny with the camera. Okay, so she's a bit of a wiseass... she can be trained.
Jeff Jarrett: One note character, dude. Work on fleshing out the character.
Russo: Ya know, whenever he's around, I'm intrigued.
Bischoff: I LOVE IT... he's got the twinkle in his eyes again that he didn't have during his last WCW run. I used to hate the guy, but now I LOVE him. Uncle Eric rules. let’s hope the WWE is smart and lets him outsmart Stephanie. I'd LOVE to see "Monday Nitro" show up on TNT and the takeover REALLY begin.
Stephanie: She'll win. Vince is setting it up so Steph outsmarts Eric and eventually takes it all over. Notice she's a low key heel/face. They are shooting to get Steph over. As it has been, as it always will be.
That's it.
OOOO YEAH... I finally passed that f*cking kidneystone
It's a legit 411 WRESTLING EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW!!!!!
Well... someone was on an airplane and some sportschannel had Randy Savage giving an interview that redefined the word "puffpiece"... but since we haven't heard from Savage in quite some time, the guy sent me a transcript. He asked not to have his name mentioned. Not a problem Steve Killingly....WHOOPS
-Randy claims he receives more fame and recognition from those Slim Jim commercials than anything he's done from pro wrestling. He added that he's been the Slim Jim spokesman for 10 years now... which surpasses in duration any relationship he's ever had with a wrestling promotion or a woman.
-His advice for young wrestlers? "K.Y.P.-- Keep Your Money." Umm.... I guess that should be "Keep Your Paycheck"... or "Keep Your Pussy"... which is good advice for all you gals out there. By all means, keep your pussy on you. Don't go taking it out and handing it to your boyfriend. Take it from me, you girls do NOT want to know what we would do with your pussies if you gave them to us to hold while you went shopping or something. I KNOW I'd use it to buff out the car. For starters.
-When the interviewer said that Savage was 42-years-old, Randy corrected him, saying he's 48-years-old.
-Savage said that in 10 years, he'd like to be in competition with Vince McMahon, adding that competition is good for the wrestling business. He's convinced a promotion starring him, Luger, and Liz would take off. Then he admitted that he probably priced himself out so much that he couldn't afford him. Then he said "FreakOutfreakOUT" about 23 times in a row.
-He said that McMahon had his "nose punched" with the XFL, but Vince is a "genius" when it comes to pro wrestling. Additionally, he likened McMahon to P.T. Barnum, saying that he's a star-maker. (somewhere, the artist formally known as "Waylon Mercy" is reading this and screaming, "BULLSHIT!!!!! WHAT ABOUT ME? WHAT ABOUT WAYLON!!")
-Randy said that he's still a big fan of today's product. His only complaint is that young wrestlers don't sell enough after a big move, which cheapens its effect. Then he bragged about driving is elbow so deep into referee Charles Robinson's sternum because he was protecting an injured leg that Robinson’s wife died from the aftereffects. That whole cancer thing was a cover-up
-As for his own success, Savage insisted that he was simply at the right place at the right time and very lucky. He credited his feud with Jerry Lawler for putting him on the map.
-Although he "respects" and "loves" Brett Hart, Randy disagrees with Hart's old-school criticisms of modern pro wrestling. Then he said "Everything sucks without the Macho man... OOOH, YEAH"
That's about it. Savage also promised that his post-Spider-Man career re-launch will begin any second now.
BREAK THE (FOURTH) WALL DOWNNNN
The site's called 1wrestling.com. AKA: 1bob, 1slob, & 1con Ever hear of it? Truth is, it ain't bad... especially since pop ups are EVERYWHERE these days.
Anyway, Dynamite Dave Scherer has an interview with Chris Jericho. You know how touchy the boys over there get, so here is a smattering of highlights... a taste... a teaser:
Q: Why should someone buy his Fozzy album? Does he put his nuts in a vice to hit those high notes?
a lot of people when they first hear about the band think Chris Jericho can't sing, because people are always under the assumption that because you succeed at one thing you can't do anything else. But when they hear the record, the response is always the same, man you guys are awesome, I got to go buy this
Q: Is it hard rock? Will the kids love it like they love Limp Bizkit? And when you answer, could you send a discreet shout out to 411 owner Ashish?
What kind of music we play is basically we take from a lot of different styles kind of based in metal from the 80's, not the hair metal stuff, but more of the power metal stuff, like Iron Maiden and Judas Priest. We try to take a lot of the elements of the metal of the past, combine them with a lot of elements of the metal of the day, to create kind of our own hybrid for the future. We take the chunkiness and heaviness of today and combine them with the melodies and harmonies of the past to create, like I said, this new hybrid style that we're playing now.
Q: Between wrestling a full schedule, and doing the album, when did you find time to get laid?
When we were recording Happenstance, I would do the four days of wrestling, then going straight into Atlanta where we recorded it, and recording my parts for three days, then getting back on the road again. I went back and forth for three or four weeks. It was a very busy time, when it comes to playing shows, we can only do once a month, or twice a month, some months more shows. I'd like to play more, but my schedule just doesn't permit it, and the other guys in the band as well
Q: You gonna f-the fans over like the Rock is doing when you become a huge rock star?
I've been wrestling for 12 years, and I've accomplished everything I've ever wanted to do in the business.
Q: You hate the Net, but you still love the Great HYATTE, right?
When I started with the Internet in '97, it was a very cool place. You can interact with people you have similar interests with, and you can find information, and it was a kind of a fun place to be. In the last couple of years, it's turned into a place where everything sucks, and that's not just me, it's movies or music or whatever, nothing is good, everything is bad. I'm a positive guy, and I just get sick of reading all the negativity all the time, sick of reading how bad all the shows are and maybe sometimes it is bad, but sometimes it is good, and it is still people giving an effort to try and entertain you, and if you just allow yourself to be entertained, you're just going to enjoy it that much more, instead of criticizing every little thing, why don't you put over every little thing. You'd have a whole different view of what is going on, and that's what I was saying. For that specific match, for people that didn't like it, that was the best that I can do, for that night, at that time, that was the best that Chris Jericho could do, and if you don't like it, then you shouldn't bother being a fan of Chris Jericho. On top of that, it was a great match, and if you don't like it as a wrestling fan, then nothing is going to please you. You're going to hate everything, so if that is the case, then go watch bowling, go watch tiddlywinks, and quit being so damn negative all the time. I still feel that way, and I still think that the Internet is filled with holier than thou people who think they know everything, and instead of enjoying things for what they are, they continually put everything down, because if they put anything over and someone else doesn't like it, then that means they really don't know everything, and when you're on the net, and you're an inside wrestling fan, you obviously know everything.
Q: So it was all part of a Master Plan?
They fell into my trap. I worked everybody just by writing what I wrote, because everybody got so excited by it.
Q: But how does the Great HYATTE fit into this? And can you reference 411 owner Ashish again?
Companies and wrestlers themselves, have put a lot of stock into what the Internet has had to say, and like I said, there is criticism and there are positive things, but it is a small segment of the population, maybe ten percent tops. To try and outthink or run your shows, to please that population, I think it's wrong. I think it's wrong to do that. I know they think it is a cross section of wrestling fans, and that the majority opinion of the Internet is the majority opinion all around, but I disagree, because I don't think a lot of fans care about backstage politics.
Q: Chris, what does the locker room, the boys, think of these net feuds between writers?
They don't care what someone said about someone else
Q: What inside proof do you have that Vince is desperate?
Eric Bischoff shows up on Raw, what more do you need to know?
Q: Chris, can we end this interview with three clichés back to back to back?
That's the way this business goes, you've got your ups and your downs, and it is a matter of getting your ducks in a row, and doing it.
That's your TASTE... your TEASER. You know where to go to get the full interview.
INDY FEVER, INDY FEVER, INDY FEVER, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH YEAH
Hell, someone has to push the indies... THEY ARE OUR LAST HOPE PEOPLE!!!!
Ugh, shoot me, please.
I would like to introduce the next big event coming to Indianapolis brought to you by Skeptic Productions.... www.harakiri666.com.
FXW: Frontier Xtreme Wrestling Presents...Aftershock
Friday Night - August 23rd, 2002
Located At The Ramada Inn
4514 South Emerson Ave.
Indianapolis, Indiana 46203
At the intersection of South Emerson and Interstate 465 on indianapolis' South Side Exit # 52 off of I-465
General Admission is $10.00 -Print this out and save $1.00-
Doors Open up at 6:30pm
Belltime is 7:30pm
On the card you will see..
The Brand New FXW Heavyweight Champion
"The Bomb" Rob Williams v. NWA-TNA Star- "Wildcat" Chris Harris
Since Dozer Screwed "Wildcat" Out Of The FXW Championship.. What Will Chris Do To Get Back At The Bomb Squad???
First ever in the United States...
RAZORWIRE MATCH: Brandon Prophet v. "Diehard" Dustin Lee note- Untrained people should not try this at home!
FXW Flyway Championship Match: New Champion - Vortekz v. Jimmy Jacobs
Vortekz- Went through 6 way elimination to capture the championship... Now that he has won the title... Jimmy Jacobs want's the first shot at it! ... Can he defeat the newly crowned Champion?
#1 Contenders match for the FXW Flyway Championship
Clifton Crunk v. Brandon Blaze v. Dayton Suave
Also you will see... Brandon Prophet , Xxxplicit Content , The awesome Dozer and more...
For more info log onto www.fxwrestling.com or call the FXW hotline@ (317) 592-1704
Hope to see you there!
Rob Kincaid
Man, I hope I didn't just plug a f*ckin' Backyard fed.
MITCHELL BLOWS & WHAT'S UP WITH THE HARDYZ?
He does. he submitted an article in this week's Torch newsletter that may have been the single most boring pile of nonsense I've ever read... AND I HAVE READ FLEA'S COLUMN!!!
He's the worse... the absolute worse. So overrated... if you get the Torch, you know exactly what I mean. The man ain't funny, people.
But, the new Torch Newsletter does feature all the writers with columns. Wade Keller even finally let Jason Powell have a shot... which brings us here.
Powell wrote a good piece on the Hardy Boys. He pointed out the strange happenings surrounding them these days... all stemming from the famed "Raw Meeting" where HHH bitched at everyone.
Matt Hardy: Well regarded as the guy who does everything according to management's wishes. He shows up early, leaves late, watches all the matches, and works his heart off. Yet he was the one guy in that meeting who actually spoke up and asked questions and made comments, especially one about how the wrestlers can only do so much and "Creative" has to assume SOME of the blame. Now, the poor guy has HEAT... he's in the dog house, for speaking up and daring to question McMahon's wisdom.
Jeff Hardy: Has had problems. When he talks about being "extreme", he's almost shooting. He was given a few weeks off recently due to his attitude. He showed up late, no showed houses, showed up in questionable condition, and seems to be heading for disaster. Yet HE gets the push. Even though many folks say he just doesn't give a f**k anymore.
What a f**ked up business. I know I'm usually defending the locker room etiquette and all, and I know I'm on the outside looking in but... Jesus, I'm a reasonable guy, pretty smart too. What is this crazy stuff where you get heat for trying to help solve the problem? I don't get it.
Speaking of hot babes with big... aspirations (huh?)
MY FUTURE EX
...and for the last time I won't sleep with you, even if you do write at 411wrestling.com
Trish Stratus... on AIM. Confirmed by many to be the real deal. Don't even think about asking, douchebags.
Bet Meltzer never had the balls to pursue this line of questioning with her.
Incidentally, last girl who said that (I call her Mom), eventually fell in love with me. I'm just saying. Kind of pisses you off, doesn't it?
A LITTLE WRESTLING COMEDY
Well, so far I've got news, interviews, and flaming that Widro will probably cut (if you don't see a section called "My Three Stooges" above, write to him and scream, "LET HYATTE BE HYATTE"), so, let's chill with some fun stuff.
While i was wandering though the Wrestling Classics board, i found a thread that was so cool, i decided to make it a full segment. Marks (and I use the term in a good way) listed some of their favorite quotes heard over the years. Good stuff, great history lesson, and I promise a solid laugh or three hear.
It got me thinking, send me some of YOUR favorite quotes... obscure, old school, modern... whichever... just try not to send dumb stuff everyone's heard like "Can I be serious for a minute"? The mission here is to ring bells and get a laugh. Let's have fun with it. I'll take all the quotes and use them for the closer in the Summerslam Mop-Up in a few weeks.
Here are some great one, to get your juices flowing... note the diversity:
What the f*ck are you doing?!!?- WCW announcer Bobby Heenan to Brian Pillman
It's like a riot in a daycare center!-Bobby Heenan commenting on a 6-midget tag match in WCW
You know the old saying: "What the Hell, use a bell" -Bobby Heenan
Bob Backlund is so old that when he was in school they didn't have History!- Jerry Lawler
He could commit suicide by jumping off a curb-Jerry Lawler (during a minis match):
She's so old that, after her first divorce, she got to keep the cave.-Jerry Lawler...again
That's why I kicked you in your leg....on your leg!-Owen Hart speaking to/about Bret Hart after attacking him at the 1994 Royal Rumble
Kevin Nash, I'm half the man you are!-Sid Vicious
I'm a beat on you like you stole somethin'-Booker T to Virgil about what would happen the next time he interfered in a Harlem Heat match
I'm gonna pretend you're a heifer!-Ron Fuller, brandishing a bullrope and cowbell, to hype a bullrope match with Jimmy Golden
You said your word was good!-Dick Slater, after Bill Watts screws him out of the North American and UWF TV titles
No, I said my word was as good as yours-Watts, in response
I have so many ways to hurt my opponent - he has to invent new ways to scream!-"Exotic" Adrian Street
Am I hearing what I'm thinking that I'm hearing, at the particular time that I'm hearing it!?- Randy Savage, babbling as usual.
I'm sorry, Gordon, I shouldn't even be here today, I'm very ill. I should be in bed with a nurse.-Bob Roop, suffering from the flu, to Gordon Solie
(Terry Funk) is bringing in someone that hates you more than he does-Gene Okerlund to Ric Flair
What'd he do, fly in my ex-wife?-Flair's response
Buddy Rose....PAUL PERSCHMAN BUDDY ROSE...you hurt me, kid, I was gonna quit. Buddy Rose, don't go to the bathroom by yourself...don't walk to your car by yourself...you've heard 'Vengeance Is Mine Sayeth The Lord' ? I'm gonna half kill ya.-Dutch Savage (to Buddy Rose, 1980, Portland Wrestling)
I'll beat you like I own you.-Pork Chop Cash, ca. 1988
There... a TASTE, a TEASER... a.. oh, I'm repeating myself.
This should be a blast. Let's see what YOU remember.
And please... if it's just shit like "What", and "PUPPIES"... save it.
MY THREE STOOGES
Stolen from Tom Wolfe. Pick up Hooking Up: a collection of short essays by the guy. Mind blowing stuff... and in HIS version of the title, he shows that "feuding" isn't just relegated to Internet morons like me. Tom gets it on with heavyweights like Updike, Vonnegut, and John Irving.
Anyway, I have three stooges of my very own. You know them. They've been around FOREVER. One of them’s The Rick
The Rick recently claimed that he is NOT "OORick" on AIM and whoever is a damn LIAR and a FAKER and asked us all to tell him to "F*CK OFF". Christopher Robin supported his theory and sniffed at people (ME) who claim otherwise. Rick is a stud, a hero, a VIKING, he does NOT hang out at AIM.
Problem is... he wrote that before he CHANGED HIS CONTACT PAGE!!! THE IMBECILE
SEND ME STUFF!
CONTACT ONLINE ONSLAUGHT
Got news? A brush with greatness? Live show report? Be sure to send us all the details at info@onlineonslaught.com
Any complaints, suggestions, or general conversation should be directed to your humble webmaster at rick@onlineonslaught.com.
Wanna send something -- clippings, tapes, large monetary donations! -- via the US Mails? Just send it to:
Rick Scaia
PO Box 212
Dayton, OH 45409-0212
AIM: OORick
It has since been changed... but more than a few people have seen it... and ran right to me with the news..
So, did the IMPOSTER HACK into Rick's site and ARRANGE this to happen? Is Rick SO FAMOUS, SO COMPELLING, SUCH A STAR that someone would actually go through SO MUCH TROUBLE just to be him for a few weeks??
Or, is Rick just hurt that so many people hammer him when they see him on AIM lately that he took a weak ass way out? Times were, he really was well regarded. Heh, times change, bitch.
THE BIGGEST INSIDE JOKE EVER
The following will make you wonder what I'm doing. Don't. It's an inside joke known only to those listed below. No one listed is to take this seriously. If you're name is in here, and you don't know why, write to me and I'll explain all. I have no problem with anyone here--and I'm sure they'll all understand the idea here.
Widro sucks. So does Ashish.
Eric S sucks. Josh Grut sucks HUGE. Flea sucks too. Jacob Ziegler sucks. PK sucks. Brower sucks... his brother does too. And does Vanderhorst suck? Better believe it. Tom Daniels too. Gamble? BET ON IT, HA! Abraham Lara, Art Martinez, Bill Miller, Ben Morse, Blake Norton, yes, Blake Norton. They even around? Don't matter, they SUCK.
Bob Barron, Josh Nason. That Hurtado dude. Suck, Suckety suck suck SUCK
Who else? God, there's so many. Ken Anderson sucks. EC Ostermeyer sucks. You suck too. EVERY MOD, POSTER AND ADMINISTRATOR SUCKS A BIG FAT DONKEY PEE PEE. That means YOU, Carlos Mahaud.
I can't go on. I'm sorry if you write for 411 and I missed you. We have so many... and they all SUCK.
The Smarks crew? Oh what do you think?
As for me? Hyatte? I suck worst of ALL.
This is retroactive, too. So guys who ain't here anymore. Gagnon I'm looking at YOU. Chris Mack, where you going? Chris Williams. Haw, of course.
That's it. I'd like to make one deletion (Widro'll probably cut it all out and fire me for this anyway). Widro and Ashish do NOT suck. They're just misguided.
Now I'm done. Nothing personal, y'all.
I KNOW WHAT YOU DID THIS WEEKEND
Well, I DO. Once again, NO one named "Ryder" had the number one movie.
1) Signs: Gross: $60.3 mil ($18474 per-screen) - 3264 theaters Total: $60.3 mil. Mel Gibson is one of the three actors who's name alone brings me to a movie... unless it's called Lethal Weapon V
2) Goldmember: Gross: $32.4 mil ($8968 per-screen) - 3613 theaters Total: $142.96 mil. I saw it, I laughed. I looked at Fat Bastard and thought: "Scooter?"
3) Master Of Disguise: Gross: $13.00 mil ($5068 per-screen) - 2565 theaters
Total: $13.0 mil. I'm rooting for Carvey, F-you
4) Runteldat: Gross: $7.5 mil ($9973 per-screen) - 752 theaters Total: $7.5 mil
We need Eddie Murphy to do another one of these. Robin Williams did it for HBO, and he tore the roof off that mother. Can Eddie do the same and get that comeback?
5) Road to Perdition: Gross: $6.6 mil ($2830 per-screen) - 2332 theaters
Total: $77.2 mil. Tom Hanks is the other guy who's name brings me to the film. Denzel is the last. George Clooney, if he keeps up his smart script choosing, will be the fourth in about 5 years.
BLIND BULLCOOKIES
Someone who knows someone who knows someone (all right, it's Scooter, we're BEST friends now) sent me some rumors. Since some of them are hard to swallow, I thought we'd have fun with it (and by "we" I mean "I") and make them into some "blind items"... don't even bother asking me the answers... I ain't tellin'
What WWE webmaster has been seen surfing around and handing Mr. Big WWE Cheese a full Internet Report? Must be because the wrestler his site is dedicated to is busy making big time feature films.
What WWE Supermoviestar is actually CHEATING on his wife with another big Superstar's famous and fairly hated headwriter/girlfriend?
Which McMahon son is truly an ass and which McMahon daughter is actually a very nice person?
Which HUGE three letter WWE Superstar hates a several time WCW champion for reasons that appear slightly RACIAL??
OOh, good luck deciphering those bad boys.
I really don't buy any of them. All bullshit that has NO BUSINESS AT 411, DAMMIT!! WE ARE A SITE TO BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY!!!
CUTTING THE HEART(LAND) OUT OF THE WWE
Old news, but the WWE discontinued their association with the HWA developmental company. Among the rassler's who were given the boot was Mike Sanders.
I only report this because I had been planning on writing a big, long, DEEP expose/biography on Sanders and why he SHOULD get a shot at the WWE. WHEW, thank God I didn't. I would have looked like a MORON. Wow... dodged a landmine there. Whew.
What?
THE EVIL THAT MEN DO
Part Uno:
Torch is saying X-Pac is really gone. He's under contract, yes... but it's a shaky relationship. I guess by now, you all heard that he passed out at an airport. That took him off the road. Now word is the WWE wants to cut his pay... so he's got agents and lawyers involved. He's got too much X-Pride to take the hit. At worst, they release him so he can work Japan or NWA.
By the way, X-Pac's 30. Seems like he's been around for decades, doesn't it?
Part Dos:
Torch is saying that Buff Bagwell was supposed to be part of a large, multi-episode, career revitalizing storyline for the NWA. But Buff's STILL an Effing headcase.
Seems that he's a full out drama queen. Usual bitching, moaning, ass dragging, production delaying nonsense the guy's famous for.
Part Tres:
Sabu pitched a fit after his NWA title match with Ken Shamrock because the ending was called long before he was ready. He also bitched about how Shamrock throws more 'taters than me and my buds every Halloween at Ol’ Man Crenshaw's house. Chairs were thrown, hell as raised. Sabu had to be calmed. Ken Shamrock was no where near him when he made these comments and Sabu DAMN WELL KNEW IT (no fool he)
Part Quatro:
To further my theory that the Tough Enough contest is a SCAM WHERE EVERYONE GETS IN... WWE Producer Kevin Dunn has brought in "TE:1"'s Josh on the production side of things, possibly grooming him as a play by play man. Upon hearing the news, Jim Ross screamed: "IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE A GODDAM SHOW FOR GODDAM RASSLERS, NOW THEY'RE COMIN' AFTER MY JOB???" Then he had a heart attack and died. Patterson gave him mouth to... oh dear... tongue. He recovered... with a pearl necklace?!?!? (think about it)
This just in, "TE2" lunkhead Jake was hired by Vince to be the "son he never had". Jake promptly showed his new old man that he had the goods by firing Lance Storm on the spot. (TWO CAN PLAY THE RIP-OFF GAME, BIG BOY!!!!!)
102 WORDS WITH NEIL GAIMAN
I have the coolest audience.
Now, without ASKING...without posting a wishlist in hopes of reminding people that I should get stuff, my man Ken offered to send me all the books I could handle... free of charge.
And boy, did he come through. Vonnegut, Elmore Leonard, a big fat collection of just about every Ray Bradbury short story. Amazing... absolutely amazing... and he asked for basically nothing in return. He was just saying thanks (I'll send him some old Mop-Ups as a VERY meager pittance). My man Ken made my summer. For real. Thank you sir.
Flea comes in second for sending me some porn a few months back, but like Flea himself, the porn is more or less flaky, whacked out stuff.
Ah, and the real treat was that Ken also included a book by Neil Gaiman: Smoke and Mirrors. Another collection of shorts. Ken's only request is that I do my part in getting people interested in books again. Well, here's my attempt.
The following is a 100 word story from Gaiman's book--102 including the title. I'm sure his publishers won't mind the crib. 100 word stories are referred to as "Fast Fiction" (sometimes "Flash Fiction") because... well, it's fast. It's bare bones storytelling.... you have no choice but to get to the point. I tried a couple, it's tough but rather gratifying when you lock it in at 100 and all the points are included.
Anyway, great stuff.... check it out:
NICHOLAS WAS...
older than sin, and his beard could grow no whiter. He wanted to die.
The dwarfish natives of the Artic caverns did not speak his language, but conversed in their own, twittering tongue, conducted incomprehensible rituals, when they were not actually working in the factories.
Once every year they forced him, sobbing and protesting, into Endless Night. During the journey, he would stand near every child in the world, leave one of the dwarves' invisible gifts by its bedside. The children slept, frozen in time.
He envied Prometheus and Loki, Sisyphus and Judas. His punishment was harsher.
Ho.
Ho.
Ho.
Buy THAT book. Or buy American Gods, also by Gaiman.
BUT PLUGS
Oh my God in heaven... what is THIS???.
A.. a NEW AND ANOTHER THING??? Titled "Alexander Wept?" Is it a tale of the sport told through the eyes of a masked journeyman who never quite made it? Does the parallel between his career and the business since the 70's become laid out as he tells his story? IS IT PROOF THAT I'M ONE SLAM BANG, STORYTELLER?
Why yes, it is. And with the recent death of Don Owen, there's some irony there as well.
Oh my God in heaven AGAIN... you mean ALL of the AAT archives, even those dating back to Scoops, are now at 411?. No... we're missing a couple.. not to worry, I'll post them myself. Is "The Road" there? It's Sequel? The "Last Battle of Atlanta"? Every WWJD in every company? Is there a special introductory column? Are there two special treats in there too? (read them from the bottom up) Is this FURTHER PROOF THAT I'M ONE SMART COOKIE AND MAYBE THE GREATEST WRITER ALIVE???? Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, and no... but I'm gosh darn good.
I promise... hours of reading... or minutes, if you get bored halfway through. I hope you like them, really.
You mean... someone ELSE has content on this site??? Get out.
Pat Brower banged the livin' crap out of his computer in order to deliver a fine, well boffed Velocity recap.
Brad Jennette banged the living crap out of his... wife?...girlfriend? I'm sorry, I don't know the guy. What I DO know is that after the monkey sex (bananas were involved)
he was mellowed enough to do Heat.
The only thing Ashish is banging is his head against the wall and his fingers on the keyboard whenever someone threatens to sue after I say or post something. Since I've been behaved lately, he found the strength to plow through Confidential and
Jim Vanderhorst banged the living crap out of a bottle of Pepsi and liked it so much, he put "Pepsi" in his AOL screen name. He's Canadian.
He's also comparing Wrestling to Comic Books Hey, what does The Clone Saga and the Undertaker have in common? Neither one ever sold a f**king thing BWAHAHAHAHAHA
Daniels has been banging the living crapola out of anything that came within his grasp all week. he discusses it and some other stuff..
E.C. Ostermeyer is far too dignified and intelligent and respected to be banging anything and bragging about it. He just handed in a long, intelligent essay called "Patience". I enjoyed it quite a bit. I enjoy everything I plug. I plugged and enjoyed my hand just ten minutes ago.
Been a while since I did this, so let's wrap things up with the awfully damned popular...
ACROSS THE BOARDS
I hit three sites for this one. Weinerville, the forum right here at 411, and I made my first visit to that site that Jerry Jarrett likes to visit, the Wrestling Classics site. I enjoyed it, got some good stuff there.
"Tonight I watched Smackdown. As I always do, I turned the volume completely off. I watched the oriental wrestler perform against the guy with the whie mask on. I`ve never seen such acrobatic pre arrangerd moves anywhere in my lifetime. I did notice only opne screwup. Now I`m wondering when Vince will hang a trapeze bar from the ceiling, available to the acrobat who can leap from the top arope, to the swinging bar. I believe ZI just felt an earthquake. The ground me shook a little bit. I`m sure itr was Lou Thesz turning over in his grave. 'Where have all the Wrestlers gone'???"
"the 'guy with the white mask on' is Rey Mestrio Jr., one of the best in-ring workers in the world."
"Anyone know when Sunny's porn debut is cumming out? I don't care what she looks like now, I'm there."
"It would be sweet if suddenly Triple H decided to be known as Jean-Paul Levesque from Quebec again...The NEW un-American..."
"Maybe HBk put HIMSELF through the windsheild! Wouldn't that be a swerve!"
"It was those guys from Syracuse. HBK fell asleep in the car again, and they got him."
"It's Ed Leslie: Pissed off that Shaun ruined his barber shop window by throwing Marty Jannetty through it."
"It was Karma that put HBK through the glass and I'm not talking about the Ultimate Fighting Machine!"
"if Jericho is revealed as Shawn's attacker, it means another feud with Jean-Paul "I May Suck More Than You (And Can't Work, Pop A Crowd or Draw As Much As You, If At All) But I'll Hold You Down Anyway" Levesque, and you know how those feuds turn out"
"Ouch, Jericho haters of the world unite. I forgot about the cycles wrestling fans go through where their former hero has to be made fun of because he's doing his job. I'm pretty sure if Vince Mcmahon had you booked to lose you wouldn't exactly be telling him off because it would hurt your character. Ah well, to each their own. Flame on!"
"I would absolutely mark the f*ck out, if Jericho came out next week on RAW and renamed the UNAMERICANS the Four Horseman, with absolutely no blessing from Flair, AA, or anyone else,whos ever been a horseman. The ultimate dickish heel move, steal another guys stable name, and then retire him, when he tries to stop you."
"Jericho hasn't won a PPV match since No Way Out. Hopefully this can give him a boost (being on RAW that is). What would be pretty cool is if Jericho's new goal is too destroy all the icons of wrestling: explains his attack on Flair, and he could have been the one to take out the icons”
"Wrestlers using steroids is a misconception. Let me rephrase that. Steroids in the present day pro wrestling scene is a misconception. Wrestlers must now go through serious testing and there is no way around it. These guys are the real deal, and their natural physiques of wonder can simply be attributed to 'wanting it more' than the guys of old. Just ask any of them... they'll tell you."
"I know how huge proresu is in Japan and I know wrestling is popular in Korea, but I don't know much about Chinese professional wrestling or even if there is such an animal. I would assume that with the NFL and NBA eyeing China as a market that Vince would have some interest too. Does anyone have any info about Chinese wrestling, past and present?"
"When Owen Hart died, I wore a black OH armband and also made it a point to use the word "Oh" in all of my conversations to honor his memory"
"So you're telling me you took a permanent marker and wrote on yourself...yet you're calling ME a mark?"
"1983-88 was THE period of wrestling. Think about it."
"Who is Scott Keith?”
"And thus we get the worst segment in pro wrestling this year, but it's not from WWE, it's from the NWA as Puppet pulls a FREAKIN GUN on Jeff Jarrett!! Didn't Vince Russo learn the first time when he tried this with the late Brian Pillman?! God, so much for any hopes of a national TV deal. Congratulations, Vince Russo! Shame on Ricky Steamboat for taking a part in this segment! SHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAME!!!!"
"I have, on two different occaisions, Driven through Detroit... Without a doubt, the dirtiest, scariest, most run down city that I've ever been to. I couldn't wait to get the hell away from the Downtown area. The outskirts didn't seem to be quite so bad, but Downtown Detroit was the biggest dump that I've ever seen. And I've been to the Old Chicago International Ampitheater. That neighborhood was like Sesame Street compared to Detroit..."
"About Benoit being not extreme, I guess you don't seem to understand that a person can't come back from a neck injury and within a month be in a fricken ladder match throwing themselves all over the place. That's a great way to get injured again. You have to get back into the swing of things and get used to being in the ring again. Are you a wrestler? Have you ever come back from a broken neck? I didn't think so, don't tell me that he isn't extreme. Are you fogeting that after Benoit screwed up his neck he was in a cage match, a TLC match, 2 spectacular matches with Austin in row and wrestled in 7 falls in 3 days? Have you ever heard of anyone with any injury ever do that before, let alone having a broken neck and doing all that sh*t. How can you not respect that and call the man unextreme."
"WHAT IF HE IS GOING TO JOIN ANTI AMERICAN REMEMBER WHEN THE ANTI SAID WE HAVE 1 MORE PERSON MAYBE BIG SHOW TOLD THEM TO ATTACK HBK OR HE ATTACKED THEM FOR THE ANTI.. I NOW HES NOT CANADIAN BUT HE COULD JOIN WHAT YALL THINK?"
"what if you learned how to spell and how to turn caps lock off?"
"Overpushing some people is good for the business, who gives a rats ass if the casual fan crowd in attendance don't like it. Put it this way, I would rather see Rock V Brock than the likes of HHH, Angle, Taker, Hogan and a few others in the Main Event at SS. The Industry needs unexplained, undeserved pushes every so often, it makes it more interesting. It happened to Yokozuma, Big Van Vader, Sid, and many others. And Goldberg was pushed simply on crowd reaction for his squash match ability. Brock Lesner is the injection the main event needs.”
"Isn't it ironic seeing a guy with a 'Saved 1' shirt lying in a pool of his own blood with a head-sized hole in the car next to him?"
"I really wish euthanasia was legal."
"South Dakota wrestling fans, Wednesday night...Nutty's..9:30 pm. I'll be the guy in the button down red Evil Dead shirt."
"PLEASE DO NOT POST ANY WRESTLER OR ANYBODY'S CONTACT INFO ON THE BOARD WITHOUT THEIR PERMISSION (if they have PUBLISHED it themselves, that constitutes permission)."
"In a hotel room in St Louis one time when some people were sitting around, Luger turned to one and out of the blue said 'why don't you lose some _______ weight'."
"Robbie Williams = walking advert for contraception. He is only popular in the UK with stupid people who don't see that he is 110% hype and -110% talent. However, we have a lot of these...look at the Government (oo, satire...)."
"MAVEN VS CHRIS HARVARD---Watch the ratings sky rocket."
"And Vampiro is laughable. Two weeks into his title reign, he'd probably decide he wanted to be a keyboardist for The Cure. Or maybe be an emcee for ICP again. Or maybe he'll have his 134th concussion."
"Here are the guys I beleive shouldv'e at least had a cup of coffee with the WWF strap: Antonio Rocco, Dr. Jerry Graham, Johny Valentine, Jimmy Snuka, Roddy Piper, Paul Orndorff, and Ted Dibiase (debatable whether or not Ted had a cup of coffee with the Title)"
"Sorry us internet rumor lovers aren't as pessimistic and perfect as yourself."
"I watched Smackdown, Steffo giving threats to Stacy, The Voice and the Red fingernails make me wonder if Steffo is still a heel?(Hair does not count?) Then Steffo was taking lines from her boyfriend's famous RAW speech. I beginning to think Eric is the face after watching Smackdown."
"We've been through this before: Straight Hair Steph: Face, Crinkled Hair Steph: Heel"
"Greetings, gadies and lentlemen. This is my first post, and it's not really related to anything wrestling. Unless you count the fact that I am a fan (much like the rest of you mugs and mugettes) and a pretty smart one to boot. No, I don't have any friends in the biz, which means no inside views or anything. Just my own damn opinion on stuff."
"I was surfing wrestling sites just for the hell of it and I came across something very disturbing. A Tommy Fierro column on a site other then 1wrestling.com or his own. Damn it Bob Ryder what happened? Didn't Fagerrio blow you enough? Now I don't feel safe when I browse the various websites on the net now, knowing that his column could be there."
"If ONE troll from over at that website comes over here and makes life hard for me and the rest of the folks around here...there will be hell to pay and bannings will be handed down here as well. I'm not joking. One troll from a small Forum does not warrant a cadre of you guys going over there and giving them fits."
"I would have thought that "faggot asswipe' was a compliment when it was addressed in your direction you piece of f*cking shit."
"I can see no reason why 'my comedy' is anymore lame than your notion that Dusty Rhodes lives in Thailand"
"Love? Sorry... doesn't exist. They discontinued that 'roundabout 1950... wasn't marketable enough. What passes for love these days.. too painful, not rewarding enough. Find yerself a hooker.... cuz all dating and love is is legalized prostitution. You still have to pay for the same ends"
.
"To further the analogy, only Marks still believe love is real."
"If Shane Douglas comes to NWA-TNA,Jerry Jarrett has my 15 bucks even if he is wrestling in a shed."
"So I'm flipping channels when I get to WLBN (or something like that) the religius channel. Lo and behold, there is Sting fighting 7 Men in black T-shirts, each with one of the seven deadly sins written across his chest. Who's cheerleading the attack? Ted FRIGGIN DiBiase, the Millionaire Dollar Man. Sting dispatches of them, not of his own power, but as he said "the one true God"'s. First Vince hugs Eric. Now this. Take a look at the world around us. Shit ain't right."
"Was there any commentary on the match? Something like: 'There's the dropkick to Greed! And there's the clothesline... down goes Envy! Mah God!'"
"One of the things I've always found amusing. Steve Borden owns a trademark on the name Sting. Gordon Sumner does not."
"Coach shouldn;t be made fun of, he's a better announcer than Michael Cole and Jerry "Mr. High School Parking Lot Stud" Lawler put together!! Besides, that freakin promo lasted too damn long, was really dumb, and took up time that could have been devoted to Goldust making the world laugh again!! The glass ceiling is killing Dustin now too! ARRGHHH!!!"
"non-title matches are gay"
"Of course, you'll never read this...you're too busy jerking off to your Dynamite Kid tapes."
"HHH has added about two more 'H''s worth of mass since his pro debut, nearly 10 years ago."
"I'd like to fill a few holes of hers with manchowder."
"Bandwagon Patriot; Loving America since 9-11-01"
"Chris Benoit's arms are so short he can't even button his shirt."
"There's no comparing today's (or the 90's) choice of promotions with the 70s or the 60s. Or the 50s, for that matter. Here's to the survival and improvement of the NWA, ROH and many others. Diversity is a healthy, healthy thing."
"No one seems to know what the rift between Francine and Douglas are, but it wouldn't kill the promotion to just shit can the bitch."
"If Funaki wins a fluke Undisputed title run on next week's Smackdown, I will buy EVERY WWE product in the stores for a year. The same holds true if you bring in the following workers as "outside threats" and have them win: TAKA Michinoku, Shinzaki Jinsei, Super Delphin, Christopher Daniels (AS CURRY MAN), Men's Teiou, Dick Togo, and Survival Tobita DO IT AND YOU WILL PROFIT, VINCE."
"Luckily Rey Misterio is on Smackdown, so Bischoff won't force him to unmask like he did with all of the other Luchadores at WCW."
"No one could tear this site apart. Its too well run. Plus they have me. the SILENT ENFORCER!!!"
"Maybe it's just because I missed Smackdown, but wow, I don't care at all. Like, not in the least. It could be anyone. It could be Hogan. It could be Billy and Chuck. It could be Brock Lesnar, again. I mean, I really don't give a damn at all. Why would I? It's the same company. I get to watch someone a different night of the week? Am I really supposed to sit there and say: "Wow! I can't believe it! This is awesome! Hogan is on RAW now!" This angle is stupid. And I'm usually not too overly negative, either, but come on, this is pointless. I just don't care."
"I think a case could be made for 1990-95 being the worst, at least on American soil. At least during the mid 80s we had Mid-South/UWF at its peak, a hot period in World Class, Flair as NWA champ, etc."
"Ironically, Dick Slater also collected half of a bounty for crippling Ric Flair in the angle that led to Flair's Starrcade 1983 match with NWA champ Harley Race. Flair friend Bob Orton Jr. turned on the Nature Boy to collect the other half. Flair did recover from the injury and went on to some degree of success, as you might have heard."
"Silly gimmicks are better than 'Randy Orton'”
"the old Survivor Series format needs to come back. Basically, its what got me into wrestling. I kind of new who teh guys where, but i saw a WWF magazine that covered the 1989 Survivor Series (I think i was like 10 at the time) and i thought it was the neatest concept in the world. I mean we can see one on one or tag team matches 364 days out of the year. They can't take one day and give us elimination matches?"
"By 1987, Starrcade was 'larger and more established than WrestleMania'.--Only if you beleived Bill Apter"
"Am I the only person around these here parts that is sorta getting sick of the phrase Ruthless Aggression being spewed about every 36.7 seconds? I sorta get the feeling that somebody is trying to slip away from Attitude and put Ruthless Aggression in it's place. Ruthless Aggression. Hell, in this post alone, I've written Ruthless Aggression 3, NOW 4, times! AGGGH! DAMN YOU WWE!"
"I remember when Earthquake debuted, it was so convincing, I truly believed he was miscellaneous fat dude from the crowd kicking Ultimate Warrior's ass. It was surreal. The way that angle played out was Dino Bravo and Ultimate Warrior were having a push-up contest in the ring. UW said he could do push ups with any member of the audience on his back and asked the fans to choose the fattest audience member. They emphatically picked John Tenta. He looked all confused and surprised and took forever to get to the ring. Then he beat all hell out of the Warrior and in a few months, he was squishing snakes and killing Hulk Hogan. It was awesome."
"JR could call anywhere and still be the best there is. You're entitled to your own opinion, however misguided, but I can't belive that any wrestling fan would rather have anyone but Ross in the booth for a big match. I'm not even going to address the ridiculous comments about his accent....NORTHERN SCUM!"
"Northern scum? You are referring to the north of the US I suppose. And you read in his signature that Metal Jesus was from "Old Jersey". He was talking about Old Jersey not New Jersey. Old Jersey is in England, you toothless Southern idiot. By the way, the Civil War is over!"
"Joey Sytles knows the difference between a sidewalk slam and a spinebuster. I swear if that bloated redneck calls a side slam as a sidewalk slam one more time I may break my TV.."
"Ever been to Meridian Mississippi? Its about like Uganda, just with more goats."
There ya go.
We done yet? Almost... one, more, thing....
TAKE US HOME, HONKY
The webmaster got me in. Now, HTM is charging only $4.95 a month for you to get in. They've got chats, message boards, commentary, and Honky will be interviewing people too.
I say, try it...it's only $5. In fact, ask Flea to buy you a membership... he'd do it.
Honky's current muse is to take JR’s reports and "translate" them... here's some examples.
Ross: With new general managers in place on both RAW and SmackDown!, I would expect both Bischoff and Stephanie McMahon to try to top last week's efforts in their ruthlessly aggressive positions. More significant surprises on TV next week certainly seem to be the order of the day. I'm looking forward to it and I hope you are too. More young talents will get a chance to continue to deliver.
Translation: Fake plastic tits versus the Pillsbury Dough Boy? We aren't going anywhere fast with this one and we know it. The biggest surprises I have had in a long time were losing my commentator's job at the last PPV and Vince hiring Bischoff, who, by the way, is a real asshole
Ross: I'm loving the direction we seem to be heading in and by what the future holds for our WWE Superstars, especially our younger talents. For many, their time has come!
Translation: Fans, I have no idea where we are going so maybe I can fool some of you if I say "we seem" to be going somewhere. In reality, I don't know, and neither does anyone else around here. We "seemed" to be getting into the restaurant/nightclub business a while back but that has out turned into a near bust. Maybe the Salvation Army can use a new store front, who knows? What I do know is this better work or our goose is cooked. And just remember, the Titanic "seemed" to be going to New York when it sunk. We "seem" to think we can fool Wall Street, our bankers, and our investors on a continuous basis. And just remember the big one: last year Lawler "seemed" to have a brain, then he quit his job in support of his wife who in turn left and filed for divorce because he was unemployed.
Ross: So here is where I stand on this matter; it is very simple and those who know me already know what I am about to say: whatever is truly good for WWE is damn sure good for Jim Ross and his family.
Translation: This is one Okie who truly knows whose ass I suck.
Booya... he's back, I'm back... gonna wrap up the Summer in STYLE, BABY
I leave you with this, thoughtful passage... call it the anthem of the Summer... the mantra... the song that touched ALL OF OUR HEARTS
Tell me, why did you have to go and make things so complicated? See the way your actin' 'round everyone else gets me frustrated. Life's like this you: and you fall and you crawl and you break, and you take what get and you turn it into... honestly you promise me I'll never catch you fakin'... no, no nooo
The kid is 17. When I was 17, I broke my ankle playing hacky-sack.
But can she write WRESTLING FICTION??? I DOUBT IT!!!!
She's Canadian too. Didn't we allow Alanis to enter the country? WHY ARE YOU PUSHING JAILBAIT ON US, CANADA??? WHY, WHY, WHY????
'Cause Canadian men wouldn't know what to do with a girl if she sat on their face and started to grind... Trish told me ALL about you boys. Explains a lot about some people round here.
This is Hyatte